A Little Lighthearted: Thurs 11 July 2024

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:
English is confusing
See, it’s so hard to explain

Why curd and heard and word and bird
Don’t look but sound the same
One mouse, two mice, one louse, two lice
One house but it’s two houses
And though one spouse is quite enough
We don’t say spice but spouses
And how come red can rhyme with said
But bed can’t rhyme with paid?
And bear can’t rhyme with near
But can be spelled another way?
We can address an envelope
And be enveloped in a dress
And test and rest are just verbs and nouns
But it’s not the same for best
If a teacher did it yesterday,
We say that they have taught
But if a preacher gave a sermon
Then we don’t say they have praught
And why before and four and for
And their and they’re and there?
And why’s it two and too and to
And wares and wear and where?
Yes, English is confusing
With its many spelling patterns
‘Cause this bit’s German, that bit’s French
And this part, well that’s Latin
So when we look at English
And can distinguish read from read
We should remember we’ve the world to thank

For this language that we speak

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant
and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I steal this meme from you, or did you steal it from me?

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:



I feel like I should
clean the house, so

I'm going to
lay down and
have a nap

until that
feeling
passes!

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:


IF YOU EAT

AN ENTIRE

CAKE

WITHOUT CUTTING IT

YOU TECHNICALLY

ONLY HAD

ONE PIECE.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)


author:

HOUSE RULES:


1. MOM'S THE BOSS




2. SEE RULE 1

[loobyloo]

Heard noises in my backyard the other night and looking out one of the windows I saw a
suspect prowling inside my yard. I didn't get much alarmed because my house is very safe, it
has bars everywhere.

A few minutes passed and when I saw the suspect was still there, I decided to call 112. They
answered and I told them about the situation. To which he asked - if the suspect was
already inside the home? No, I answered, he's outside, in my yard been there a while, can
you send a mobile patrol? He told me ''at this time we don't have anyone to send, if
anything happens call us again''.

A few minutes passed and the suspect was still in my yard so I called 112. ''You no longer
need to come, I just killed him with a 12-gauge shotgun I kept in the house for self-defense,
I shot him in the back of the head he became unrecognizable and his brains scattered round
the whole yard.''

In less than 4 minutes arrived 5 mobile units, the riot group, 3 officers on motorcycles,
investigation police, homocide brigade, the same chief of police, an ambulance, a prosecutor
and a judge on duty, Antena 3, Tele 5, La Sexta, La SE R...

Seeing all that, the suspect looked so surprised that he immediately knelt down on the floor
with his hands on his head and the police personnel proceeded to stop him.

At that moment I opened the door and went out to the yard, where the police chief turned
to me and said:


I thought you said you killed him?

And I thought you told me - you didn't have anyone to send!!!!!

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author: Today I saved €143,50 by not going to Pepco for a deodorant..





It´s a bit like going to Aldi for a litre of milk and a bread roll and coming home with a four man tent. ****

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)


author:



“𝘼 𝙡𝙞𝙚 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙡 𝙝𝙖𝙡𝙛 𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙖𝙧𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙡𝙙

𝙬𝙝𝙞𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙨 𝙥𝙪𝙩𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙩𝙨 𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙚𝙨.”

― 𝙈𝙖𝙧𝙠 𝙏𝙬𝙖𝙞𝙣

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:

Without my loving

wife, I would have

no clue of all the

things I do wrong

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

It snowed last night...
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man.. women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
By noon it all melted
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what the World has become, all because of snowflakes.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:


If we are drinking and I say I can

do a back flip, stop me,

because no I can't.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)



EXPECTING THE WORLD TO BE FAIR
BECAUSE YOU'RE FAIR

IS LIKE EXPECTING
A LION NOT TO EAT YOU

BECAUSE

YOU DIDN'T EAT HIM

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:

mother-in-law came for dinner
and said, "why does the dog
keep looking at me?" I said,

"Because you're using his plate! "

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:
Every conversation with a child getting ready for school in the winter ends with a
parent yelling, "FINE, THEN FREEZE."

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)


author:


Humble enough to know I'm
replaceable


Cocky enough to know it's a
downgrade

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)





I did some financial planning and it looks like

I can retire at 97

and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)



TEACHER
WHO CAN USE THE WORD "BEAUTIFUL" TWICE IN A SENTENCE?
PUPIL
MY FATHER BOUGHT MY MOM A BEAUTIFUL DRESS, & MY MOM LOOKED BEAUTIFUL IN IT.
TEACHER
GOOD JOB
2ND PUPIL
I SAW A BEAUTIFUL BUTTERFLY LAND ON A BEAUTIFUL FLOWER.
TEACHER
GOOD
3RD PUPIL
LAST NIGHT AT THE DINNER TABLE, MY SISTER TOLD MY DAD THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT, & MY DAD SAID " BEAUTIFUL JUST f**k**g BEAUTIFUL "

[loobyloo]

author:

I'M SO EXCITED!!!! Harry wanted to give me a very special Christmas 🎁 present, so he gave me 1 dart and a world map!!!
I thought we were moving again but he said, "Throw it and wherever it lands we will go there after the Christmas holidays!!!" ✈️
Well, it looks like we’ll be spending 2 weeks behind the fridge.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author:


I was going to
quit all my bad
habits.
I really, really
was.
But then I
thought to myself
that no-one likes
a quitter.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

author: Anybody interested in a ride in a helicopter? I need one more person to accompany me.
We leave early this Sunday morning from Jerez airport and will fly over Jerez and Cadiz,
all along the coast past Chiclana and Conil ,

then fly to and have lunch at Almeria Then we’ll do a flight along the whole of the coastal path, back to Jerez.
If interested, please message! Preferably someone with a helicopter otherwise we can't go.

[loobyloo]

(on another local expat site recently)

A mate has 2 tickets for the England v Spain game on Sunday
He paid £360 each, including flights but he didn't realise when he bought
them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️


If you're interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.




It's at Guildford Registry Office, at 5pm, The bride's name is Sarah,
she's 5'7" & quite attractive.

Come on England! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 ⚽️❤️🇬🇧🤣