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Post by loobyloo on Aug 8, 2022 12:25:26 GMT 1
(saw this on another local expat site today)
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
OFFICER: Age?
Husband: I'm not sure. Around 40. We don't do birthdays
OFFICER: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
OFFICER:Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
OFFICER: Colour of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think
OFFICER: Colour of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple of times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
OFFICER: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
OFFICER: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went on my motorcycle.
OFFICER: What kind of motorcycle was it?
Husband: A 2018 Harley Davidson Roadside. Twisted Cherry with 14'' apes, stage 2 kit,
Vance & Hines fishtail pipes, Klock Werks windshield, JPcycles footboards, highway pegs
and crash bars... At this point the husband started choking up
OFFICER: Take it easy sir, we''ll find your motorcycle.
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Post by loobyloo on Aug 11, 2022 13:09:29 GMT 1
(saw this on another local expat site today)
HUSBAND: FOR THE LAST 30 YEARS ALL YOU'VE DONE IS FIND MISTAKES IN ANYTHING I SAY.
WIFE: 31 YEARS...
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Post by loobyloo on Aug 17, 2022 8:38:27 GMT 1
(saw this on another local expat site today)
Waiter: this soup is cold!
It's Gazpacho Ma'am
Very well Gazpacho,
This soup is cold!
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Post by loobyloo on Aug 18, 2022 16:31:41 GMT 1
(saw this on another local expat site today)
Husband: What we having for dinner?
Wife: Nothing.
Husband: That's what we had last night!
Wife: I made enough for 2 nights
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Post by loobyloo on Sept 3, 2022 11:27:33 GMT 1
(saw this on another local expat site today)
11 PEOPLE... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a
rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to
carry them all, so they decided that
one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were all
going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that
person, until the woman gave a very
touching speach.
She said that she would voluntarily
let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up
everything for her husband and kids
or for men in general, and was used
to always making sacrifices with little
in return.
As soon as she finished her speech,
all the men started clapping ......
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Post by loobyloo on Oct 29, 2022 11:09:50 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
“I spent an hour in the bank with my dad, as he had to transfer some money. I couldn't resist myself and asked...
''Dad, why don't we activate your internet banking?''
''Why would I do that?'' He asked...
''Well, then you wont have to spend an hour here for things like transfer.
You can even do your shopping online. Everything will be so easy!''
I was so excited about initiating him into the world of Net banking.
He asked ''If I do that, I wont have to step out of the house?
''Yes, yes''! I said. I told him how even grocery can be delivered at door now and how amazon delivers everything!
His answer left me tongue-tied.
He said ''Since I entered this bank today, I have met four of my friends, I have chatted a while with the staff who know me very well by now.
You know I am alone...this is the company that I need. I like to get ready and come to the bank. I have enough time, it is the physical touch that I crave.
Two years back I got sick, The store owner from whom I buy fruits, came to see me and sat by my bedside and cried.
When your Mom fell down few days back while on her morning walk. Our local grocer saw her and immediately got his car to rush her home as he knows where I live.
Would I have that 'human' touch if everything became online?
Why would I want everything delivered to me and force me to interact with just my computer?
I like to know the person that I'm dealing with and not just the 'seller'. It creates bonds of Relationships.
Does Amazon deliver all this as well?'''
Technology isn't life..
Spend time with people .. Not with devices."
Writer: Unknown
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Post by loobyloo on Nov 9, 2022 10:56:21 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author:
Friends - please be careful
Yesterday I went to a Christmas party. I had a few
beers, followed by a few cocktails, followed by a few
shots....
I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit.
That's when I decided to do what I have never done
before: I took a cab home.
Sure enough, there was a police road block on the way
home, and since it was a cab, they waved it past. I
arrived home safely without incident. This was both a
great relief and a surprise because I had never driven
a cab before. I don't even know where I got it from
and, now that it is in my garage, I don't know what to
do with it.
author: lucky I'm in UK !!!
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Post by loobyloo on Nov 25, 2022 10:07:02 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
I was born female, I
identify as female, but
according to
Sainsbury's Deluxe
Sticky Toffee Pudding,
I am actually
a family of four
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 3, 2022 11:36:32 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author: I’m in my 50's and I just realized I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... The way to get to Sesame Street...
Why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”... Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed...
Why “abbreviated” is such a long word... Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons...
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... Why do you have to “put your two penneth in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” where’s that extra penny going...
Why do ‘The Alphabet Song’ and ‘Twinkle Twinkle Little Star’ have the same tune... Why did you just try to sing those two songs...
Why do we park in a driveway... And just what is Victoria’s secret?
...and do you really think I am this witty?? ...
I actually stole this from a friend, who stole it from her brother’s girlfriend’s, Uncle’s cousin’s, baby mothers Doctor... Now it is your turn to steal it from me... Lol 😂😂😂😂
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 4, 2022 9:48:47 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
DEAR SANTA,
ALL I WANT
IS A FAT
BANK ACCOUNT
& A SKINNY BODY
PLEASE DON'T
MIX IT UP
AGAIN LIKE
LAST YEAR!
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 10, 2022 9:36:34 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
QUESTION TO ALL MEN
. . . . . . . . .
If you had to choose
between a wonderful
wife and a really
nice car
WHAT WOULD YOU PICK?
PETROL DIESEL
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 17, 2022 12:21:06 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author: According to my chocolate advent calendar, there are only 2 days left until Christmas!
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 20, 2022 15:40:20 GMT 1
(on another local site recently)
author: As we enter the busy run up to Xmas, remember to be wary of counterfeit or illegally sourced goods.
I was offered some traditional German fruit bread the other day, I was pretty sure it was Stollen
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 29, 2022 12:17:13 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author: Reminds me of a few people !!! 🤣
First we get a dog.
Then we say no more dogs
Then we get another dog...
And another dog...
Until WE HAVE ALL THE DOGS!!!
(amusing pics to go with this - sorry unable to copy)
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Post by loobyloo on Dec 30, 2022 12:37:21 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author: 😁😁😁. How I feel !!!
Wel,l that's Christmas done.
Time for a hot cross bun!
(was a photo accompanying this of 'hot cross buns' - unable to copy)
Totally agree!!! I eat M & S hot cross buns all year ****
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Post by loobyloo on Mar 15, 2023 8:30:50 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author: A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Chiclana Local Policeman walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Local Policeman's Ball."
He replied, "Chiclana Local Policeman don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence.
He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.
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Post by loobyloo on Apr 9, 2023 6:46:33 GMT 1
Easter Egg Puns
You're a good egg.
Hope you have an egg-stra special Easter.
What an egg-citing day.
Are you an Easter eggs-pert?
Eggs love you very much.
I'm putting all my eggs in one basket.
You might not carrot all, but you’re irresistible!
This Easter Sunday, I might whisk it!
Who else is egg-cited for Easter?
All of this celebrating is eggs-hausting.
Those Easter eggs are really to dye for.
Easter celebrations are a great way to get people out of their shells.
I'm egg-stremely ready for this egg hunt.
I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny.
Let's hope these Easter eggs are all they're cracked up to be.
I need to eggs-ercise off all this chocolate.
How was your Easter? I’m dyeing to know.
Not decorating any eggs today? Yolk's on you.
The Easter Bunny must get a lot of eggs-ercise.
Way too egg-cited about this eggs-cellent holiday.
I've been dyeing to decorate some Easter eggs!
I need to shell out for some more Easter chocolate!
What do all the eggs want to do when the egg hunt starts? Scramble!
That’s all for Easter Sunday, yolks.
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Post by loobyloo on May 22, 2023 16:04:59 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author:
MY BIGGEST FEAR IS
WHEN I DIE
MY WIFE WILL SELL MY
GUITARS
FOR WHAT I TOLD
HER THEY COST
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Post by loobyloo on Jun 7, 2023 15:00:08 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
Sometimes I just want
someone to hug me and say,
"I know it's hard.
You are going to be okay.
Here is chocolate
and
and 6 million dollars."
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Post by loobyloo on Jun 23, 2023 18:13:33 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
Eat whatever
you like because...
* The inventor of the treadmill died at the
age of 54.
* The inventor of gymnastics died at age
57.
* The world bodybuilding champion died
at age 41.
* The best footballer in the world, Maradona,
died at 60
***
And then-
* The KFC inventor died at 94.
* The inventor of Nutella died at 98
* The inventor of Hennessy died at 98
***
How did doctors come to the conclusion
that exercise prolongs life, when
* The rabbit is always jumping but it lives
for around 2 years, and
* the turtle that doesn't ecercise at all,
lives over 200 hundred years.
*** So, rest, chill, eat,
drink, and enjoy life!
Thanks I’ll print this out when I visit Dr’s next !!!!! ****
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Post by loobyloo on Aug 1, 2023 15:59:11 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
Just fired myself from cleaning my house.
I don't like my attitude and I
got caught drinking on the job.
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Post by loobyloo on Aug 13, 2023 7:30:53 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author:
HACKER:' I have all your
passwords
ME: ' OMG thank you! What
are they?'
Made me chuckle - I write all of mine down, change them and forget to write down the changes and that's how I roll
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Post by loobyloo on Aug 20, 2023 10:30:20 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author:
So looking forward to today's game -
You can do this ladies How hard can it be -
you already bring home the shopping and the kids
so now it's time for the WC
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Post by loobyloo on Sept 1, 2023 16:11:09 GMT 1
(on another local expat site recently)
author:
We must all do our bit
for the planet.
I just unplugged a row
of electric cars, that no
one was using.
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Post by loobyloo on Sept 17, 2023 10:54:02 GMT 1
author:
i may not have 6 friends to carry my
casket but i do have 1 best friend who
will flirt with 6 men to do it for her
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